Black Sheep Gamers Guild™

Shoop = cleric in that story.
MrFurious = barbarian

The best part was using the gnome as a periscope to look down into the cellar to see what was going on.

The barbarian wished he wasn't the barbarian.

Conversation during Star Wars game:

R2 Unit:  I totally tasered him in the ass with my shock probe.
GM:  ...and then you lick him...*tee hee hee!*
R2 Unit:  Yes.  I will lick everyone I taser.  On the ass.
GM:   *licking noises/motion*  Mmmm.
Force Adept:  You could have a little sponge on a telescoping arm that comes out and *licking noises*.
Jedi:  Yeah, a moist one...
R2 Unit:  *dying of laughter*
Force Adept: * mimicking future conversations*  "Not on the mouth, R2, not on the mouth!  You licked some guy's ass with that last week!"

***

[later that session]
(Male) GM:  Oh, oh, here!  Feel!  My nipples are totally hot!  I can't get over it!  Come on, give me your finger.  Or a tongue.

In the GM's defense, he thought that the R2 unit said that he "tasted his ass" not "tazered his ass". Hence the discussion of tongues and makeshift droid "sponge" tongues.

Regardless of the fact that it was a gaming session, he needs a defense.  And a good lawyer.  I am suing for sexual harrassment :p

dang it...

[Negotiating with a tribe of Minotaurs and Hill Giants to help in the war against the invading Horde.]
Minotaur (NPC): Through words and deeds, you have proven your worth, and we shall fight by your side when the Horde lands.
Vanador: Thank you, sir, it is an honor.
Minotaur: But first, we must consummate the accord.
V+D: ...Consumate?
Minotaur: The first option is that you must marry the Earth Chief's youngest daughter.
[A 10' half-ton Giant detaches herself from the circle and steps forward.]
Daughter: [in a deep, booming voice] Be gentle, it is my first time.
Vanador: ...And option B?
Minotaur: If you will not marry the Earth Chief's youngest daughter, the two of you must fight his eldest son with naught but stones, sticks and the skin on your backs.
[A 12' three-quarters ton Giant detaches himself from the circle with a grin.]
Son: [in a deep, booming voice] No need be gentle with me.
Dimitry: She's a lovely girl, Vanador.

That's pretty good, I like that a lot.

Cool.

Good thinking, too.

Aaahhh....man!  That's...that's...no!  DEATH TO GOBLIIIIIINS!

I wish to punt the Goblin King.

That's so unjust, it's making me tear bend!

*smiles*  I always smile now whenever I think of that scene; I love you guys, lol.

Last edited by MrFurious (2009-07-03 10:17:35)

he dies...

how anticlimactic

WoTC Forum wrote:

My wife did this one. She is playing a nasty brutish female dwarven beastmaster. Nasty being the key word. On the first encounter of H-1, first battle ever, she picks up one of the bones I had drawn on the map for realism, rolled athletics, and shoved the bone deep within herself. Yeah, in that way. And, apparently, her character's insides are made of pure acidic ooze, because the bone melted inside her. During battle, she decides as a minor action she would retrieve some of the acidic-ooze-bone and as a standard, throw it in some poor kobolds face. Just like in alien, the acid melted through his face and brain, and it fell to the floor. We have never been more disgusted, or amused, at a monster death since!

...eww and seriously?  Lame to allow that.

what the hell?

LMFAO!!! OMG... I'm reading this at work and it's all I can do to not completely lose it!

I know, I was there and it always puts a smile on my face.

During one battle, a tortoise he was taking care of got loose and crawled onto the battle mat, stomping over the enemy minis.

Player: Hooray! The Mighty Terrasque joins the battle on our side!

Then the tortoise turned and eyed the PC minis. The DM called out in a low, ominous voice:

Mortal fools. The Terrasque fights for no man. You are all but meat. Tremble in fear as I slowly advance towards you, and devour you whole!

There was a long pause. The tortoise took a single step towards the minis.

DM: ...yes, slowly advancing, to build the tension before I devour you whole! Keep trembling! Did I mention my slow advance?

_________


Bard: (OOC) Ok... I use the Vicious Mockery power at the dire bear. *rolls, hits*
DM: The bear turns to look at you, offended as you told him his mother sold out due to the Snuggles commercials. The bear cries a tear and now has a -2 penalty to attack rolls as it tries to dry its eyes.

From WoTC:

My party has been busy lately with an evil artificer, one of those zany "Supervillain-inventor" types who are always trying to build doomsday devices and such. He is a gnome, and has name is Dr. Klein Shiesskopf.

After defeating him once again, he jets off in a rocket-propelled escape craft shaped like a giant screwdriver. The party is then left free to wander through his lab (after disabling the self-destruct device) and look through his stuff. Dr. Shiesskopf wasn't very organized, but there were generally sheafs of notes left lying around on tables and stuff with details on what he was working on. Some samples:

Next to some sketches of some kind of bear with feathers, or perhaps an obese eagle with teeth:
In spite of my best efforts, I have been unable to find a bear and an owl who were in love and willing to have children. The bearowl project has been scrapped for the time being. Too bad; I really wanted to know if they'd hoot or growl...

Next to a big suit of armor, large enough to be a golem if it weren't hollow:
...Wrist-mounted fireball wands, some alchemists-fire catapaults on the back, maybe compartments to unleash smaller golems from... and I'll make it taller. Yes, much taller. They will pay dearly for calling me "Shorty..."

Next to some kind of orb with two little indentations on it marked "record" and "play." Hitting the play button made the orb emit a sound like maniacal laughter.
I think I've finally got it. If I drink a full glass of milk and eat some peperoni pizza before I start, the evil cackle comes out as a baritone. It's making me hoarse, but DAMN I sound good!

Next to a small armored carriage (very small) with a heavy crossbow mounted on itThe squirrel-tank is complete. Now I just need to train some squirrels to pilot it! These things are remarkably inexpensive, so if all goes well I should be able to replace my disposable minions with an army of squirrels in just a few months. All shall tremble before my rodent army and despair!


****

Party enters a building and is greeted by a doorman. He sends them through the door of many locks, down the hall and up the stairs to a clerk. This NPC asks them all a series of questions, passes the answers to the next room, and returns to his seat at his desk, leaving the party to wait uncomfortably in his office/the antechamber to the office they're headed to.
After a moment of awkward silence (and OOC/IC glances at each other) our cleric, Yu, goes up to the NPC's desk.
Yu: "So, uh, what do you do here?"
*party looks at Yu like she's crazy. He's just a clerk!?!*
NPC: "See this?" *gestures to mounds of paperwork on desk* "It's paper. I push it."


Same Cleric, played by L, OOC Reading from PHB: "...You can target shatter against a single solid object... weighing up to-" *does the math* "40 pounds. How much is 40 pounds? Like a small child? I could shatter a small child!"
(This is from the one who came home to find her family murdered, two children included, which is why she became a cleric-to save others.)
Entire party: O.O
DM: "L, are you okay?"
L: "What?"
Me: "Did you hear what you just said?"
L: "I could shatter a-- OMG"
The shock wore off and we all just kept laughing at her. She doesn't get to live that one down. Ever.

I steal everything that's not both nailed down and on fire.

*****

You're allowing the Hit by Falling Object rules, right?
Okay, I create a demiplane with heavier-than-normal gravity via genesis, so if I drop a metal cylinder into the demiplane and let it fly out through a portal, it should be travelling at about 300+ meters/second, which works out to about...hang on, I need to consult the table and see how much damage I do.

*****

OOC:  My water broke.....

*****

But we're already rich... why do we still care about adventuring?

*****

PC:I'm going to shocking grasp his manhood
(he rolls a crit)
DM: If that attack doesn't kill him, he kills himself

****

I make the dwarf skin into a cape!

****

DM: As you arrive in the next room, you see (insert random evil wizard name) standing on the platform next to this huge beam of blue light. Roll for initiative.
Me: 20!!!
DM: It's your move.
Me: (Out of Character) Does this beam of blue light look dangerous?
DM: (With a look of curiosity) Make a Wisdom Check
Me: 17 plus my intelligence modifier, 21.
DM: Yes, it looks very dangerous.
Me: Ok, I am going to force push him into the blue light. (I roll an 18)
DM: (In absolute disbelief, taking out an imaginary checklist) Things the DM didn't think of
Me: (Laughs)
DM: ok roll 10d10, wait, nevermind. He is dead

****

Me: (after the Dwarf in the party punched me, a psionicist in 2.0) So Stumpy is taking a bath in the stream?
DM: Yes
Stumpy's Player: Do I see anything in the stream?
(Rolled a perfect natural)
DM: The water is clear except for the occasional tumbling pebble.
Me: How bad am I hurt? I took 8, my HP is down to 10.
DM: Well, Stumpy didn't crit, but you're hurting pretty bad.
Me: Contact with Stumpy? *rolled successfully"
DM: You made mental contact.
Me: Mindlink with Stumpy? *rolled successfully*
DM: Wow, success again.
SP: What is he doing to stumpy and why am I rolling?
DM: Because he's getting into his head.
Me: Use Repugnance to make him hate his junk so much he punches it.
SP: WHAT?!?!?
DM: (Laughing) This will be funny. I'm allowing it. Roll it.

I then roll a power score, which is like an ability crit in 2.0.

DM: Oh my God...Stumpy, roll your save (failed) now roll another Will save to see if you try to rip it off instead of punch it.
Me: ...Amazing
SP (after failing again): WHAT...NO.....
DM: What's even better is that you don't know why you did it, Stumpy.
SP: Crap....

Stumpy yanked on himself so hard that he blacked out and floated downstream. The rest of the party had to save him. He had a serious wound that had to be stabilized and ended up eaten by a giant, because when the rest of us could outrun the giant, Stumpy had to make a dex save to run and failed due to massively swollen, purple genitals. We gave Stumpy a gimme-roll to slice and dice his way out of the stomach, but he fumbled and actually struck himself, knocking himself unconscious in the belly of a giant.

*****

I only said I was thinking about stabbing the King, you idiot!

*****

-PCs were walking through town, looking for a "black market store" they find one with a nat. 20. They're waiting outside, debating. Our Halfling Rouge "Issac" spurts out...

Issac: "Quick! Let's be spontaneous! Craig, throw me through that window on the first floor!".

Craig (Giant Fighter): Ok, I throw him.

DM (me): Make a strength check.

Craig: 18.

DM: He flies through the window, Issac, roll acrobatics.

Issac: 17.

DM: You sail elegantly through the window, taking no damage.

Issac: Ok, I'm going to stand and make a bluff... "Holy shit! Call the guards on that Minotaur!"

DM: That'll take a helluva bluff---"

Issac: Natural 20!!!

DM: Ok... the two drow, half elf, and gnome---

Issac: Wait-- Gnome?! God damn GNOME!!! First Strike, sneak attack, and backstab.
-rolls die, does math-
67 damage!

DM: ... A level 7 Gnome rogue... taken out by a level 3 halfling rogue...

And from the other night:

Adam:  Ok, well, then I'll take a second to pray to Fargle-Foogle.
Me:      It's Fharlanghn...Fharlanghn.  Say it.  Fharlanghn.
Adam:  Fhar....gle-Wurgle!
Me:      Say 'whip'...
----
Adam:  My god, Farful-Nipple, told me to, so that's what I'm going to do!
Me:      ...Fharlanghn.
Adam:  Foogly-Woogly.
Me:      Fharlanghn.
Adam:  Foozle-Niller.
----
Adam:  We have to because that's what Fizzle-Wump told me about!
Me:      It's Fharlanghn, jackleg.
Adam:  What!?  It's not my fault that my god has some crazy name like Fump-Muffle.
Me:      ...Fharlanghn.
Adam:  Fluppity-Schmup.
----
Adam:  Well, my character is going to dive into the pool because that's what Farley-Gnarley told him to do.
Me:      Fharlanghn.
Adam:  Yeah, that one.
Me:      Just say it!  Just say it!  I know you can!
Adam:  I can't!  Are you kidding me!?  My mouth wasn't built to produce that kind of foul sorcery!

[Random encounter where my female Cleric (Sister Eustace) says she won't buy alcohol for our Drunken Master (Adam)]
Adam:  Man, my character gets rejected by all the women in the group everyday. [Runs his finger along Burt's shoulder.]  Your turn...
Burt:  Hmm...she'll buy you a drink.  She's good with that.
Adam:  Woo hoo!  I wasn't rejected by a chick!  Your character should go back to his room with him.
Me:  [lol]  Alright, let's role play this!
Burt & Adam:  Uncomfortable!
DM:  Ok, that's it.  No more genitalia in my world!
Adam:  Yeah, we'll just reproduce with spores.  [Makes blowing wind noises.]  I'm going to release my spores all over your character, Burt.
Burt:  [Silence...]
Me:  Well, DM, you just made it easier for us to talk about sperm.  Good job.
DM:  Ok, back to genitalia.

****

Burt:  [In good humor] Adam!  You are the most worthless monk ever.  That's all the damage you do...
Adam: *sob*
Me:  Ok, the person who literally just ran around the map wailing for two rounds like a worthless little girl has no room to talk.
Burt:  Hey!!  I was down to 0 hit points...
Adam:  *sob*

****

Burt:  Aww, you're building a rogue?  I'm a rogue.
Adam:  Yeah, but I'm going to be more of a Sneaky MacSneakerton.
Me:  Yeah, not a Stabby MacStabbity.

****

DM:  Ok, let's see if you can break free from the gapple.  Er...grapple.
Adam:  The gapple?  The gapple?
Me:  Bake fee fom teh gapple!  Do eeeeeet.
DM:  Damn you guys...

****

DM:  Damnit, these guys are bookkeeping heavy.  Why did I throw these at you...
Burt:  Yay!  He's not going to use all of their cool abilities because he's too lazy!
DM:  Pretty much.  Prepare to be stabbed.

****

Me:  Oh, I want to smash the coffin, too.  Take a few pieces for later, just in case.
DM:  Ok, you can take a few pieces of stone.
Me:  Oh!?  It's stone!?
DM:  Yeah.
Adam:  Well...yeah, it's stone.  What did you think it was made of, cupcakes!?
Burt:  A necromantic cupcake coffin.  I want one, too.
Me:  ...wood.  I thought it was wood.

****

Party:  Hmm...we might end up dying in this encounter.  TPK...
Adam:  Quick!  Loot the corpses we've killed, put it in your bags, and then it'll be there when we respawn!

****

Burt:  Ok, I hear the voices.  I run over to Eustace to get her help. [Looks nervous.]
[In unison.]
Logan:  Hold me!
Melissa:  Hold me!
DM:  Hold me!

****

Melissa:  How wide is my Tenser's Floating Disc?
[Lazy guesses between 3 to 5 ft. ]
DM:  Why?
Melissa:  I just wondered if I could get it through the door.
DM:  No, I'm going to say it won't fit.
Melissa:  But-
Me:  We'll make this work.  We'll cast gust of wind under it on the left side and Bigby's Grasping Hand.  We'll spend ridiculous amounts of spell points forcing this thing through the door on principle, rather than having you just spend two spell points on a new one on the other side of the door. 

****

DM:  What is this I heard about the door?
Me:  Oh, nothing.  Sonja said she was going to rub up against the door and we were all excited about some girl-on-door action.

****

Eustace: [Charges down the main aisle (nave) of a temple, having just casted detect magic and seeing invisible beings inside.  She bullrushes two pews into two of the beings.]  So, I'll roll the bullrush attempt against each pew, I'm guessing?
DM:  Hmm...yeah, I guess.  It's not like they get to resist with a Strength score or anything; they're not sentient...
Eustace (OOC): Uh-oh, guys!  We have bigger problems than amorphous, invisible light beings, apparently.  Sentient pews.
....
Pale Hand: [Rushes in, can't see anything but Eustace slamming pews into the walls.] What's going on!?!?
[Baddies move to surround Eustace.]
Eustace: Oh, gods, I'm surrounded!
Pale Hand: By what!?!?!?
Eustace:  By idiots, apparently, and beings of light! [She didn't realize at this point that the beings were only visible because of her detect magic.]
....
[We end up winning the fight.]
Eustace (OOC): Are they (bystander, NPC druids) damaged?  Hurt?
DM:  Not physically.
Eustace (OOC):  Does that mean not that I can see!?  Or is that just how you chose to phrase it!?
Pale Hand (OOC): Their minds are illithid salads.  That have been tossed. *nom, nom, nom*

We are getting some truly premium quotes out of this game.

Some of those names are truly, truly horrible.

I wouldn't play in a game where that was allowable as the actual name.

...

Apparently so.

that is badass..

lol, im sorry Megan, thats not what i meant.

From WotC, a new DM:

Fighter: "Is the door to the palace locked?"
DM: "No, it's unlocked."
Rogue: "OK, I get out my rope and grappling hook and throw it on the roof."
DM: "The roof."
Rogue: "Yes," (rolls) "I rolled a 15, does it catch anything?"
DM: "On the roof?"
Rogue: "Yes!"
DM: "I don't have a CLUE! I never mapped the ROOF! You're supposed to go in the DOOR! That's why it's UNLOCKED!"

Path of least resistance is a trap!  Most likely, we could not repel damage of that magnitude!

you know, sometimes the bad guys just forget to lock the front door.

honestly, when you guys went to the scary run down old druid temple being used by demon summoners and went in the front door cause it was unlocked, the guy you saw coming towards you, saw you, and screamed and ran the other way. he was coming back to lock the door. or trap the door, i honestly forget which.

Unless of course you have overwhelming combat superiority.

lol! That has the ring of being hilarious at the time.

I kind of like, "Hey guard buddies!"

Yeah, I can just imagine a character standing there with eyes closed, fingers in his ears mumbling, "this isn't real, this isn't real".

Yeah but I definitely don't think a DM should punish a player for something like that.

WotC forums:

BBEG: Fools! You cannot fathom the power Lord Orcus has bestowed upon me.
Bravado warlord (low int and wisdom): HA! I can't fathom alot of things and it hasn't stopped me yet. Charge!

The origins of a phrase that Burt, Logan, and I occasionally bust out:

LadyAthena:  Finally, the servers will bring out a large bowl with frost on the outside of it and something strange looking inside.  You can choose to accept or not accept some.
Shoop:  [chilled monkey brains!]
Oram:  May I ask what it is before I accept?
LadyAthena:  [Oh, I suppose ]  They'll tell you it's called 'helado', a frozen dessert from Pais.  [Pais is another country.]
Oram:  I see...yeah, sure.  We'll give it a shot.
Shoop: "Sure, what the hell, gimme some."
LadyAthena:  They'll dish up two scoops for Jin and about five for Oram.  Roll me a d20.
Shoop: [1]  *GAG! Sputter, cough, heave*
LadyAthena:  That shit could power a gnomish creation; it was not meant to mix with intestines.
LadyAthena:  And for Oram?
Oram:  [14]
LadyAthena:  Yeah, pretty good.  But cold.
Oram:  hhhhmm....ma teef hurt
LadyAthena:  [lol]
Shoop:  *Watches in horrified fascination as oram consumes his, mine, and the rest of the bowl it came in*
Oram:  [lol]
LadyAthena:  Amidst cries of, "Ow!  Ma teef hurt!"
LadyAthena:  Everyone will look in horrible fascination...
Oram:  It is so worth the pain!

LMAO!! Some good stuff in there. Shows how much I pay attention, I flat don't remember most of that stuff. Thanks for the re-cap

Some of the most hilarious moments we have had together have been while gaming.  I think that is why I love this hobby.

Quotes from a few games ago.

"They're demons.  Of course they're homophobic." --Zack
----------------
Zack:  ...Ballsy McGee over there.
Burt:  Would you point out Ballsy McGee for the court?
----------------
Azriel:  [to good-aligned, sentient sword] Fuck you!
Sword: Fu-...er...turn to good!
----------------
[explaining true seeing] "It's like when you see a douche bag trying to be a dick.  You can see that he's acting like a dick but also see that he's really a douche bag." --unknown

hehe, I really like the demon comment, as well as the conversation between Azriel and the sword.

Burt: A 13 year old girl?  Heck yeah I'll attack her!
____

Lucius: WHAT!? A woman is higher rank than me!?  I can handle a mindflayer but a woman?
____

OOC Ruin: [Recalling the entire group encouraging him to try jumping a bonfire during combat rather than go around it despite his notoriously low rolling.]  'Oh, Ruin, it'll look soooooo awesome when you do it.  Ahhh, it burns, it burns.'
____

OOC Haborim:  It's a lady.
OOC Marelth:  It's not a lady, it's a dude.
OOC Haborim:  It's an elf.  Close enough.
____

[Doing math to figure out HP healed]
OOC Luscius:  Aaaaaand, 32.
OOC Ruin:  It burns, it burns!
OOC Luscius:  Uh...did I cast the wrong spell?
____

Marleth:  We're not doing this for money.  We're doing this for a shitload of money.
____

[PC with Alter Self always enters our inn as a fat human and leaves as a thin elf because he thinks it's sneaky and misleading.]
NPC Innkeeper:  [talking to bar wench] I swear, I don't get it.  A big fat guy enters.  I seem him every day.  But an elf leaves.  The fat guy never leaves and the elf never enters...but when the fat guy enters, the elf will leave...something just ain't right."
____

DM: Oh yeah, you definitely do not want people to know that.  They will hunt you down.
OOC Corella: Well, then how do I deal with it [before it kills me]!?
DM:  Years of training and study.
OOC Corella:  *sigh*
OOC Marelth:  You can just hire a tutor.
            "Hypothetically, if I had the knowledge of the words of creation in my head and you were to train me to suppress its destructive power, what would you do?  Hypothetically.  Go."
            And 20 years later: *stabbity*
____

Corella: Do you have any way to temporarily extinguish magic [auras from being noticeable]?
Marelth:  No, sorry.
Haborim:  Yeah, kill its source. [Looks pointedly at Corella.]  Or, just turn off the light in the room you're in.
____

Haborim:  A good murder oughta straighten that guy out.
____

DM: Ok, so [your captive] is sitting there, tied naked to the chair--
OOC Haborim:  Whoah, whoah, whoah.  I did not say he was naked.
OOC Ninja, to the DM:  That's all you, dude.
____

DM: [The female NPC] sidles up next to you, Azriel, and makes like she's going to take your hand.
OOC Azriel: What!?  Oh no, that shit ain't happenin'!
OOC Marelth:  Seriously, that is just so bizarre [that she would do that].
OOC Haborim:  This coming from the one who routinely touches people to implant magical cysts in them...'Oh yeah, she touched him.  Soooo creepy.'